🥇 Thanks to maya.land and goofpunk for sponsoring the blog! If you'd like to learn how to support my writing and get a shoutout here every week, check the sponsors page. 🥇

In "The Walrus and the Carpenter", why does it matter that the carpenter is a carpenter? The poem's not about him doing any carpentry. I'd change it to "the walrus and some guy he knows".

Maybe the carpenter is a metaphor for Jesus. Jesus was also a carpenter (previous to his career as a prophet) and him being a carpenter didn't matter for his story, either. But maybe it would've been more narratively satisfying if it did? What if his carpentry knowledge enabled him to identify a flaw in the shoddily-constructed crucifix that allowed him to escape? There's your new ending, Hollywood.

I'm not sure my theory holds water though. Is there anything in the bible about Jesus tricking a bunch of oysters into going on a walk with him so he could eat them? Is that where he got the fishes he conjured in the "loaves and fishes" story? In bible times "fishes" probably referred to "any food that occurs underwater", so that could mean oysters. Then the walrus is a metaphor for, uh... nothing. He's just a walrus.

To paraphrase Achewood, This post took all fucking night and it's not even any fucking good! 🦝