Hello, and welcome to a very special behind-the-scenes issue of #GarbageDigest! This is volume 01 issue 12. In today's installment, you'll get to see how the bloggage is made. Every article is one that would appear in an actual published issue, but you'll get to take a peek behind the curtain and get more insight about the writing process. After each section, look for the ✒ symbol to read the author's commentary.

This blog does not fund or endorse any candidates for elected office.

✒ The official name of the # in the title is #TrashTag.

the funny pages

✒ This is a pretty good idea. I think it works better to sprinkle jokes throughout in comic form than to have a separate humidor section. I can't make them on my phone, though, so it'll have to be a special treat for now. ("Humidor", lol, wtf was I thinking)

correction

I'd like to issue the following correction: the previous post, neural networks etc., kinda sucked. If I had more time to sit down and re-read the sources and really refresh my memory about the whole story, I could've made a much better argument that Blake Lemoine, the Google employee who says their chatbot has a soul, is tricking people much the same way that Francine Patterson, the caregiver for Koko the Gorilla, tricked people into thinking Koko was really using sign language. I wanted to dig into the difference between the behavioral and innate models of language-learning and talk about how those ideas can be used to evaluate claims of non-human sapience, but I felt like I just couldn't do it justice in the time that I had. I recommend listening to the episode of You're Wrong About where they talk about Koko, they're able to go a little more in-depth about the subject, and hopefully you'll see where I was going. Also it's just a fascinating topic, and you should listen to every YWA episode. They do the research I wish I could do.

✒ Yeah, I dropped the ball on this one, sorry. Just didn't have anything else for yesterday

oil

You shouldn't use WD-40 for household lubrication needs. You should use one of those big metal oil cans like they used in old cartoons and movies, the kind that makes a nice "k-klick!" sound. It sounds like pop-a-matic Trouble. I don't know how they work, but they look like either a funky sideways watering can or a closed funnel. What should you fill it with? WD-40.

✒ I'm always seeing internet Bob Vila cosplayers lecture people about how they shouldn't use WD-40 to fix a squeaky chair spring or creaky door hinge, but they never tell people what they should be using instead. I believe you when you say this isn't WD-40's intended purpose, that's not new information to me, but if you want to actually help people instead of showing off how much you know, please tell me what I should use instead. Otherwise I'll continue using the thing I know works fine, and you can cry about it, if you like

platform palaver

In my opinion, the best way to make a 3D Sonic The Hedgehog game would be to make a normal 3D platformer where the story is that Sonic lost his ability to run fast.

I get that you couldn't do this in 1999, especially after the Sonic 3D Blast fiasco. Gamers are small babies with heads full of cotton candy, and would've complained no matter how good of a 3D platformer it was. "Why no Sonic fast?! Me want Sonic go zoomy!!"

But come on, it's been over 20 years. You can make a good one now. I liked Sonic Adventure. I even liked Sonic Adventure 2! But wouldn't it be nice to make a good one, for once?

You could say that Dr. Robotnik stole Sonic's magic red shoes or something, and send him on a quest to get them back. Sonic has to wear his normal blue shoes, with which he can only move at normal 3D platformer speed. When he gets close to the end, you can have a moment where Sonic learns that the power to run fast was in him all along, and have an on-rails segment where he finnaly goes zoomy and bops Robotnik. You can have that one for free, Sega.

✒ Shit. Should I have said they can have it for free? Maybe they would've paid me for it. Oh well, too late now

junior jumble

It's time for a fun game! Unscramble each word, then use the letters in the boxes to solve the riddle. Print out and send a photo of your solution to bluelander@protonmail.com. Winners will get a free Sunday shout-out! Click here for the printer-friendly version.

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  G   H   E   H   O   G   E   D
  _   _   _   _   _   _  [_]  _


  A   T   S   I   L 
  _   _  [_]  _   _


  K   B   N   R   O   T   O   I
  _  [_]  _   _   _  [_]  _   _


  L   S   K   N   K   U   E   C
  _  [_]  _   _   _   _   _   _


  G   I   N   R   S
 [_] [_] [_] [_] [_]


 What snack does Sonic
 the Hedgehog always order 
 on the side when he gets 
 chili dogs?

 _   _   _   _   _ 

 _   _   _   _   _

✒ No hints from me! Hehehe!

mister sword

Have you ever wondered where Link got his sword? According to Hyrule Historia, the ultimate definitive guide to all things Legend of Zelda, he bought it at the store.

✒ It's true! The sword store!

weather

The heat index when I walked home from work the other day was 104°

✒ Holy shit, that's fucking hot! That's like 30 or 40 degrees celsius, I assume, which doesn't sound like a lot, but Europeans have vociferously assured me that it is

the funny pages (p. 2)

✒ I think "It's me, the cops" is a pretty good line, but why does the raccoon sound like Dr. Robotnik? I could've done a better job there 🦝