a rickety bridge of impossible crossing

When Pizza's On The Ceiling, Golly, Ain't That Something? I'm Taking Five Photos Of That

Good aftermorvning, readers and readrixes, it's time for another word-bendingly cromulent perio of trashtag #GarbageDigest. Engage your viewing eyes and your comprehension brain on this volume 01 issue 13, dictionnaires, and watch as the strange symbols on your view-screen are transmogrified into pseudo-meaning through the magic of leximancy. This blog is on the World Health Organization's list of essential medicines.

an outing to the local burgery

Welcome to Hamburger Jr.! Would you like to try our signature sandwich, the Hamburger Jr.? It contains two slices of grilled hamburger beef and all the traditional fixin's.

How big is the regular hamburger? Well, it's actually a little smaller than the Hamburger Jr. The Hamburger Jr. wouldn't be much of a signature sandwich if it were the smallest one on the menu, eh? Ha ha!

If you'd like a bigger hamburger, then might I humbly suggest the Hamburger Sr.? It's the same as the Hamburger Jr., but with 25% more mass! Thank you. Our cooks will be proud to prepare your Hamburger Sr. Shall I tell them to include all the fixin's? Excellent.

The cost of your order is seventeen dollars. I'm so sorry. Due to various ongoing lawsuits and pending litigation, we've been forced to implement a per-fixin' surcharge on all non-Hamburger Jr. sandwiches.

We are aware that this is not an optimal hamburger experience, and we want to make things right. We would be honored to present you with a coupon for one free fixin' on any future order (not including the Hamburger Jr.) Just sign this arbitration agreement, and the coupon is as good as yours. The System Works, that's our motto here at Hamburger Jr.!

ancient tech lore

Believe it or not, we had primitive smartphones as early as 2018. They were called Pocket Radiographs, or PRGs, and the first ones were made by the Webster Chicago Corporation. You probably know them better today as WebCor, or their South Korean division, Lucky Goldstar.

PRGs were strikingly similar to the smartphones of today. They're the same basic shape, they had lower-res but still high-definition capacitive touch screens, 8 or 16 GB of ram, and quad-core processors. They're much more sophisticated than one might expect for the era. Of course, they only had two cameras, so despite appearances they were utterly worthless trash, barely functional toys for infant chimpanzees to defecate on and fling at each other. Witness this piece of waste before it goes to its final resting place, somewhere far from here I assume, and be thankful for how far we've come.

nice slice

A pizza is a pizza, no matter how you slice it. Unless you slice it with a chainsaw, in which case I figure you'll end up with at least 90% of a pizza, which is still pretty good.

That's assuming you only slice it once, of course. If you want to slice it into quarters, it'll get a little messier. The more the integrity of the pie is compromised, the more it wants to be compromised, if you see what I mean? If you want to slice it into eighths, I figure you'll still have at least 65-75% of the pizza left on the table. The rest will probably be all over the walls and ceiling, and your guests, if they're lucky. But look, quantity isn't everything, okay? Spectacle is important too. Spectacle Is Important Too, that's our motto here at Chainsaw Pizza!

funny pages


alternative title

My original title for this entry was "Pizza On Your Neighbors, Pizza On Your Chainsaw, Pizza On All The Walls; When Pizza's On The Ceiling, You Can Have Pizza When It Falls". I hope you appreciate my restraint 🦝