a rickety bridge of impossible crossing

i recommend crying

On Saturday, I thought for sure I was going to start having to skip days. I felt totally brain-dead, uninspired, comatose, sleepwalking through life. I asked Izzy if she wanted to hang out. I warned her: "I might cry at you for no reason. If that's not something you want right now, I understand."

She said "I never don't want that." 😭

It wasn't really for no reason. It was just too many reasons to name. I'm constantly grieving for the life that was stolen, is being stolen from me. The longer I go without acknowledging it, the more it hurts. Eventually the pressure builds up until I can no longer function. I have to let it out. Izzy's always there for me. And I'm always there for her.

Just like that, I let off some steam, some of the pressure was relieved, and I could think again. Whatever well of emotion and inspiration I tap into had been replenished. Not 100%—it's not magic—well, it's a little bit magic but not the be-all-end-all— but enough that I immediately started having ideas again. There may be some question as to whether "pasta garbioli" is an idea worth having, but if the choice is between that and feeling completely empty inside, I'll take the shitpost.

If you're susceptible to melancholy, I recommend crying, relatively frequently. At least a couple times a month. It's best when the person can also cry at you, because that helps you feel helpful and supportive and necessary in the same ways the person is helping you. But if you don't yet have a partner in cryme (sorry) therapy works too. I'd say other than being diagnosed with and subsequently treated for ADHD, the most useful thing about therapy for me was just giving me an outlet in which I can cry.

If you don't have insurance, I recommend calling the suicide lifeline. You don't have to be suicidal to call; in fact, when I worked there, I'd say easily at least 90% of the people I talked to weren't, or at least not actively planning to kill themselves. Most of them thought about it occasionally—and hey, who hasn't?—but that's not a requirement either. If you just need to talk about what's making you miserable and cry a little bit, the lifeline is there for you too.

Some people wanted more direct advice, some of them wanted a different perspective (which, if a person is isolated around toxic people, can be unspeakably valuable) but plenty of them just wanted someone to listen. Unless your local branch is hideously understaffed, you should be able to talk as long as you need; and if they're so under-staffed that they need to keep the lines open for emergencies, they can point you in the direction of someone who can help. Some locales have dedicated "warm lines" or peer support lines that operate separately from the lifeline. But at least call and ask. It's good to cry and better if someone can listen. Whatever you want to cry about, it's valid,1 and I hope you're able to let it out 🦝

  1. I don't think anyone would legitimately cry because the queen died, but if you need an excuse, go for it. I won't tell anyone