a rickety bridge of impossible crossing

i should be allowed to think

04 June, 2022

I'm in a weird headspace right now where I have multiple topics I want to write about, but I don't trust myself to compose a serious piece of writing or even do a garbage digest (or even take the extra effort to display the title of garbage digest properly) so it's back to the original M.O. of this blog, the stream-of-consciousness brain dump.

This is because the amount and pace of work I have to do at my day job has increased. It's 100% the reason my brain isn't working the way it should right now, and it's probably going to lead to another depression spiral.

As long as I have enough downtime or can sneak enough thinking time at work when my brain is at its maximum functional capacity, I can write. As long as I don't, this is what I can do.

The knife-edge balancing act of trying to do real work (writing) without calling attention to how much time I'm not spending doing fake work (whatever they ask me to do at work) causes a lot of anxiety, which is also not great at motivating me to write. So I'm erring on the side of appearing productive. There's not a lot I can do about this but hang onvand hope the situation improves.

I'll still be updating daily, but it won't be the quality or quantity of writing from the last few weeks. That's just the way the dice have landed for right now. I may just start holding back all of my fedi posts and save them for here. Maybe I'll come up with a new category for something like garbage digest but lower-effort, I dunno.

I thought I'd be able to write today, because it's Saturday, but the accumulated effect of not being allowed to think all week has caught up with me. My brain is flabby and out of shape.

I still gotta post something every day though, just to remind my brain and body that this is something I do now. I'm a writer, I write every day, and if that means it's just thrown-together barely-coherent scribble.nu entries, so be it. I'm not going to hold myself to a word count or anything, but I am going to sit down and take some chunk of time to write, because the unavoidable reality of wage slavery might mean I'm not going to be a good writer, but I'm not going to let it stop me from being a writer. They can't take that from me.

I was the worst hope of my generation, destroyed by madness, starving, hysterical; I should be allowed to share my feelings, I should be allowed to feel1 🦝

  1. They Might Be Giants. I Should Be Allowed To Think (youtube.com)↩

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